Jokes By: Afraz Adeel and Malik Nofil
jokes by : Afraz adeel and Malik nofil
A book never written: “Artificial Intelligence”
Jack: Why was the robot angry?
Ben: Beats me.
Jack: Because someone kept pushing his buttons!
Ron: What is a robot’s favorite type of music?
John: I really don’t know.
Ron: Heavy metal!
Ben: How many robots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
John: I haven’t a clue.
Ben: Three — one to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder!
Griffin: Why did the robot go back to robot school?
Brent: Tell me.
Griffin: Because his skills were getting a little rusty!
Lance: What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
Luke: Don’t know. What?
Lance: A trans-farmer!
A book never written: “Artificial Intelligence”
Jack: Why was the robot angry?
Ben: Beats me.
Jack: Because someone kept pushing his buttons!
Ron: What is a robot’s favorite type of music?
John: I really don’t know.
Ron: Heavy metal!
Ben: How many robots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
John: I haven’t a clue.
Ben: Three — one to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder!
Griffin: Why did the robot go back to robot school?
Brent: Tell me.
Griffin: Because his skills were getting a little rusty!
Lance: What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
Luke: Don’t know. What?
Lance: A trans-farmer!
Funny jokes
JOKES COLLECTED BY
OSAMA AHMED AND ANUS HUSSAIN
OSAMA AHMED AND ANUS HUSSAIN
Sleeping Arraignments
When a family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle'
Police
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
Silent Class
The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
How Hot Is It In Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
English Class
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Whiskey And Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "
Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
BIRD BRAINED
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."
When a family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.
Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle'
Police
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
Silent Class
The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
How Hot Is It In Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
English Class
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Whiskey And Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "
Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
BIRD BRAINED
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."